Sorry to Bother you. The Moment I Realised This About Myself.

I wrote this by piecing together things I have said looking back through emails, and combining them with thoughts and feelings. It was an epiphany during a meeting, followed by a conversation with my partner. I would like to know if it resonates with anyone.

I’m sorry to bother you,  but I just have this one quick question; When did I become so adept at placating people? 

I might be wrong here,  but I think I tend to adopt this passive tone. I don’t know what you think, but I wonder if being this passive is not doing me any favours.

It’s probably just me. Perhaps Im imagining it, but I get the sense that people just don’t take what I say too seriously sometimes.

I know you’re very busy, It’s just I was hoping to get your opinion on it. If you don’t have time to reply, I totally understand!

Apologies if I’ve missed any emails or text messages from you recently too. I’ve got too much on my plate, and sometimes I feel like Im suffocating underneath it all.

I’m not feeling too good about all this. Do you think I’m imagining it? Sometimes Im wonder if Im being paranoid! I need to feel more stable inside myself. Like carbon. 

Carbon is stable.  I remember that from chemistry class.

Im like a dog belly up. Tail curled. Ears flattened.

It’s a habit I developed. A long time ago. Things outside of my control. Ive done it ever since. And now, it seems, it is embedded into my helix.

And now I’m sitting here. Seeing what it’s done, as it plays out before me.

I suppose Im not the only one out there. I go back over the years, and see a pattern. So this is nothing new. It’s just I have reached fever pitch with it. I’m feeling strange today anyway. Sitting in bed as I type, feverish, and my ears ringing. My bones aching and muscles too. Last time I had Covid I didn’t feel this bad. I have slept for a few extra hours today, and I don’t have any extra energy for it. But also I feel compelled, in a kind of delirious way, to write and draw, even though my arms ache. Im having lots of dreams too. They are vivid. Last night I was falling hundreds of feet towards rocks. I didn’t want to fall but somehow was pulled by magnetic force off the edge high above. There was some water down there, but it was shallow, and in small pools. I was able to direct myself as I fell, but I knew none of the pools were deep enough to support my impact. I woke up with a start, drenched in sweat as I hit the shallow water. As I drifted back off I was at a work meal, and everyone was so far at the other end of the table that I could not be heard. I didnt know why Id been seated there. As I edged towards them, trying to join in, they moved along one, further away. And I kept edging, and they kept moving. What a shitty dream. I don’t remember the other dreams, although I feel like I was up all night having them.

I’ll have to set about drawing something more fun for the next post. A little bit up beat. Perhaps Ill share the full collection of Names on People’s Phones, which Ive been sharing on Instagram (@laurajquick)